Is….Is this an option?
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire