My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Me too door. Me too.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My spirit animal is fried chicken
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.