You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
bury ourselves
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.