*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
You Might Also Like
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Boy never ceases to amaze me
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.