5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable