My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
We avoided this particular disaster
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.