To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Not recommended for beginners.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.