Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.