coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined