Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Breaking news:
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Current mood: Potato
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends