I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one