What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
So the ex texted me
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.