We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs