Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
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Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
be careful
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Usage Guidelines
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!