“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Life cycle of cat
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.