I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters