this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I only eat vegetarians.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.