VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Everything reminds me of my ex
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.