Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
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[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁