Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig