By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
.. do you even science?
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to