Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
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[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
i baked you a cake
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.