date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
😂😂😂
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
😏😏😏
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream