Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.