[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up