If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
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one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.