surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Alexa, make me look good naked.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
smartest karate player in the world
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.