Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
This could’ve been an email.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy