product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.