I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?