After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.