Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.