Well, my evening plans are ruined
You Might Also Like
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”