Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …