My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
You Might Also Like
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see