I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
You Might Also Like
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Missionary, so we can keep arguing