If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
This is a true ally.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.