Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.