Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*