Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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real
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther