Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.