Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
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I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Mad Max: Furry Road
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.