I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
damn he’s good
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.