C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.