Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Eat…
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.