Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Somebody’s lying.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”