Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
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[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se