If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Stick it to the man
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.