I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
You Might Also Like
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”