KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus